#firstworldproblems

Maybe you need to read this to feel like you are not the only person going through a crappy patch. Maybe I need you to read this so that I feel like I’m not the only person going through a crappy patch. Maybe you’re not going to read it knowing it’s about going through a crappy patch. Again. Maybe you shouldn’t read this so that you don’t go into a crappy patch as a result of the crappy vibe …

Whatever.

You see, things are seldom as they seem on social media.

Yes, many good things are happening. Opportunities are always there for the picking. I keep busy. Then I broadcast my activities and insights to a virtual world where no one really pays attention. Because we hide behind curated profiles and scroll over too much crap, occasionally unfollowing the posters of said crap. In-between we judge the lives of others and our own, buying the self-PR and scoffing at the self-pity.

Tempted to write stuff like this when we feel like this. Knowing that it doesn’t help to deal with the reason for feeling lik this.

Life does, however, not wait for us to feel better. It goes on. Choose to not disengage.

So, launch a consulting company website and finish a thesis at the same time. Wrap up four years of teaching and deal internally with the implications of the fact that a comfortable season seems to be speeding towards a very abrupt end. Try to not feel like a failure. Celebrate the success and promotion of others. Attempt to maintain a fitness streak in the face of chronic hip pain that causes all sorts of other joint pains.

Feeling sad that community only exists for those who attend events. Not having the emotional energy to attend events and explain why I wasn’t at the other events. Missing family. Not knowing how to reposition my life closer to the people who know me. Not knowing if that would solve  loneliness. Giving up on ever being in love. The evidence is just not in its favour. Generationally.

Truth be told, these past few months have actually been some of the most difficult of my life. Disillusionment, probably.

They have also been super productive. Go figure. Grace.

I know we don’t have to sit under negative emotions. I know we can engage thankfulness to bring perspective to melancholy.

I’m just a bit stuck.

You see, I am sensing a shift that I don’t particularly like. Doors that were previously wide open are closing politely in my face. Opportunities that were offered get retracted the next day. Expectations that were created are deferred without explanation.

Doors are closing, and I am not yet seeing others open yet.

I feel like no one knows how to tell me that the old game is over, and no one is bothering to tell me what the new game is. Or where I fit in either way. I feel replaced and displaced.

So … after reading that you can feel better about yourself. Or at least we can lament in unison as we try to get some form of emotional connection with any living thing that is not just a ping from a static profile picture. To not feel so rejected, overlooked, misunderstood, under-valued and lonely.

Listen, point is. I gotta make a move to a town that’s right for me.

I just really don’t know where that is.

I don’t know what’s next.

And I am shit scared.

Keeping it real. Self PR to recommence shortly.

I’ll feel better in the morning. And so will you.

#firstworldproblems.

Selah.