Facing vulnerability

I think we underestimate how much we dislike feeling vulnerable.

Vulnerability is not really something humans naturally display. We actually fight very hard to not show vulnerability.

My heart-aches and soul-wars teach me a lot about this stuff, if I just take the time to figure out what they’re trying to yell at me through all the shots that I seem to be taking …

For example, I’ve wondered why I despise that part at weddings, just when the dance floor has been opened. I always seem to find a reason to run to the loo for those first few songs, until the loose-dance crowd gets going.

Then it dawned on me. One of the challenges of being single and female, is living with the perception that you have to wait for a man to ask you to dance. To do anything vaguely romantic, actually. Which often leaves you in a very vulnerable space. Not just is it frustrating to want to do something but having to wait for someone else to choose you before anything can happen, it is also very vulnerable. What if no one ever asks …?

That awkward time at a wedding amplifies the feeling of being left helpless and vulnerable at the mercy of someone elses choice. And I happen to not like that feeling very much. It makes me want to cry. Or run very far away, where no one sees the embarrassing ache. #vulnerable.

That’s not a very feminist view of the world. I know. I don’t seem to have a very feminist view of the world when it comes to this stuff. I’m not saying I’m right. I’m just saying what I have found to be real experiences. I believe that men and women have different roles in relationships. I have tried to “go after what I want” in relationships. It simply hasn’t worked. Hence, back to waiting. And being vulnerable.

It is vulnerable to have to wait.

It is vulnerable to have to seem like the desire for romance and marriage is not that important.

Listen, it is important. Not all-consuming. But actually, really important.

I am getting tired of (and actually, slightly pissed-off at) people telling my older single friends (and myself), to “just don’t get desperate.”

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep hope alive, and not seem “desperate” in the process of pursuing (or freakin intentionally not pursuing, what-the-hell ever) male friendships that could lead to romance?

Do you have any idea how vulnerable it is to “show interest”, but being very much aware that it will probably freak someone out when they realize that you’re trying to show interest?

Especially, it seems, if Cilnette Pienaar is the one showing the interest.

Be that as it may.

I’m learning that feeling vulnerable often causes me to go into combat mode. And let’s just be real, my combat mode is not exactly conducive for inviting affection. I get moerse feisty, spike-walls go up, lioness-claws come out. Intellect and big words and big personality get put on hyper-display.

Which basically always has the complete opposite effect of what I actually want.

You know what? It’s all actually just a very pathetic attempt at hiding the fact that my heart feels vulnerable. And I don’t know what to do with that feeling. So I kick fiercely at whatever is causing the feeling. To make it stop.

Point being.

I’m not doing very well with being vulnerable on ground-level at the moment, even if my words are brave.

I need to deal with this very deep-seated fear.

Of loosing control.

Of being seen.

Of being disappointed, again.

Of being vulnerable.

And in there, methinks, is a very important key.

For whatever.

Selah.