Confronted

This could go anywhere.

I’m not quite sure what will surface now that I actually am taking a few minutes to put thoughts to paper. Let’s see where this goes.

Maybe we can start with what’s been going better. A healthy dose of thankfulness might do us all some good.

Hence, I’m happy to report that my physical health has taken a turn for the better. The gut and the bloodlevels seem to have reached a sort of amicable truce. ‘Tis is a fragile equilibrium, but a balance nonetheless. So, yay for that.

It also seems like the life-has-no-meaning phase of grief has subsided somewhat. That’s helpful. Pretty tricky to maintain a degree of public faith-integrity where there are very real personal nihilist days.

Project Progress (as we affectionately refer to the estate admin) also seems to be moving ahead with fairly decent due diligence. Weekly encouraging email check-ins with a faceless executor, whom you need to believe is capable and compassionate, seems to be the name of that game. No one teaches you this stuff. You must just maar figure it out. Learning to swim in the deep end. Thankfully, my sister and I are both strong swimmers. We had a good coach.

The undeniable presence of joy in the midst of all the complexity has been a faithful witness to the One who it originates from.

Joy is tenacious. Joy is strength.

So, yay for joy.

I’ve also been able to pay all the doctors. And SARS. The latter has it’s own worthy testimony.

Yay for that too. Financial pressure adds its own level of intensity to an already pressed process. Breakthrough is worth acknowledging.

So, just reflecting on some of the recent milestone miracles, and the storms that preceded them, maybe the apt theme for the season is: Confronted, to conquer.

For a while, I simply just wanted to hide.

I ignored the signs my body was giving me, because I hoped the pain would just go away. But that simply is not how blood deficiencies and hormonal imbalances work. You have to take pills. And rebuke the spirit of infirmity. More than once.

I ignored the signs that my soul was giving me, because I just wanted it to cope by itsself with the death of another parent as if it were something that has been done before. Because it is actually something that has been done before. You’ve gots this, remember … But that simply is not how a radical reality-changing loss works. It’s not a “you’ve seen this movie before” process. You have to allow yourself to be broken. Again. And to be seen by others in that vulnerable state. Again. It is highly uncomfortable, but you have to receive help offered. Again.

I ignored the warning signs of burnout because I just wanted to get on with a workload that doesn’t stop for mourning. But that simply is not how healing happens. You have to push back the fear of failure, to get perspective. You have to get off the treadmill of life to really take stock. You know ish’s gotten real if you’re left quoting Eminem: “You only got one shot, do not miss this chance …” 🙂

Denial is the broad way.

I haven’t been allowed to take that option. Ever. Narrow is the way that leads to life.

No matter how I’ve tried to sidestep difficult realities, I seem to constantly find myself in situations where my childlike faith-based self-confidence is fiercely opposed by the magnitude of the insecurity that results from technically being positioned as an adult single female orphan*. (*White priviledge acknowledged … all protocol observed … :)).

The implication of those “labels” is daunting. In practical terms, at face value, it simply means: You’re on your own now. Legally, no other human is obliged to look out for you. You have to make it work. You’re the adult now.

Thankfully, that’s not how natural or spiritual family works. I have been surrounded and carried with care and love, in an abundant beautiful and lavish manner. I am not left to fight for myself. This is 100% true, and a testimony to the calibre of precious people in my life. I also have close friends going through similiar trials. We hold up one another’s arms in the battles for hope and destiny. We all stand together, bam bam …

But technically, those “labels” reflect a current legal natural reality. And sometimes, people subconsciously treat you according to the labels that you allow them to place on you. That’s why you need to blatantly confront your own issues, know who you really are, and choose to graciously oppose misrepresentations by stepping up and staying firm in true character.

Big girl panties, on. Check.

Otherwise you will keep acting out of the temptation to compensate for insecurity. However that plays out in your life.

The struggle is real.

As if I didn’t have issues with “forced” self-sufficiency and independence already … which are, by the way, not seen as issues by people who don’t have a Biblical worldview. Chew on that for a while …

Uhg. Labels. I’ve loathed them since I can remember.

Looking at all of that, I realised that the core trials in this season has had to do with security and identity.

Faith 101.

Confronted. Acutely.

To deal deeply with the only questions that really count:

Who is God. Who am I.

Selah.