The significance of taking aim

For the first two-and-a-half months of 2016 I felt like I hadn’t yet decided what to do with it. The year, I mean.

Last year, the goals were exceptionally clear. Focused. 10 months to get a masters degree. Conceptualize Creative Capacity and get a website. Run the 10km Gun Run. Which, by the way, for someone who has always just thought of herself as a swimmer, was a thing.

But after walking in phenomenal grace to actually reach those goals, and the emotional repercussions of moving house, some work-uncertainty, and relational adventures towards the end of 2015, I literally felt like I fell down at the finish line of 2015.

Then 2016 started unexpectedly fast, with two jobs. Plus all the previous commitments to ministries  and clients and and extra-mural activities. And some sacrifices in terms of dreams and expectations.

I took massive punches to the stomach for about three months straight.

I was not ready for this year. I literally just felt like this new season of having to navigate too many worlds at the same time might finally drag me under. I fell back into depression. I just wanted to get away from everything. Not many people know this, but I was in Durban for a weekend in February to explore the possibility of moving. I wanted out. Thankfully, not of life, but of this place of too much of the same of nothing.

Some days my only goal was to literally just try to not drop the ball on something important. Which sounds like many people’s everyday challenges.

But I’ve been fighting very hard for a long time to not have that type of life.

But, low and behold, here we are in April.

Things started to shift somewhere in mid-March. I finally felt like I was lifted up out of the storm I thought might crush my soul. Disciplined, and determined to find joy. Happy again, actually.

By grace we live.

So now, after whatever that hurricane was passed, I have finally gotten me some goals for 2016:

On the creative expression front: There are one or two collaborations in the mix, with the most tangible being a Creative Capacity / Daybreak Deer collab for the the compilation and design of my first poetry book. The working title at this stage is “Middernag, Dubai – a tapestry of poetry.” Watch this space. You can pre-order a copy (25 originally illustrated poems) by emailing cilnette@creativecapacity.co.za. Not sure what the retail price is going to be, but budget for about R350. It is going to be really pretty. With deep words :). Aiming to launch in September.

On the fitness level: I have entered the Safari 21km race, in collaboration with Coffee with Bee :). Sidebar: Friends are gold.

On an academic front: No clear goals yet, but the feelers are and conversations are being had out for a possible PhD topic.

On a ministry front: I am blessed by being in a cell group again, and I am serving in a consulting capacity in the missions department of my local church. I am also registered to attend the Lausanne Younger Leaders Gathering in Jakarta in August, as well as the WEA Mission Commission Global Consultation in Panama in October (any donations towards airfares for these two trips welcome …:)). #nations

For someone who thought that 2016 had nothing in it, I think those goals are a testimony of God being faithful in the midst of our confusion about life and the future. The Light always comes back.

The life-walk lesson that I am learning from actually not having something to aim at for a while is that it sometimes is good to let go of the control you think you have of your own life.

But other times it is necessary to take back ownership of your life, make decisions, and aim your efforts and resources towards something that inspires you. Discipline.

I am thankful that a rather rough start to the year didn’t seem to derail the dreams in my heart as much as I feared it might.

I am also learning more and more that when we aim our intentions at being a blessing to others, we find much significance in the day-to-day activities and responsibilities that we have.

Significance isn’t necessarily somewhere else. It might just be in doing something for someone other than yourself.

So, in the light of all that, it almost feels like I am only now ready to say: Happy New Year!

O wait … maybe I am actually on a different calendar …

Selah.

Stewarding creativity

Disclaimer: This will seem like a pompous self-indulgent piece of unnecessary writing until you get that it is not a pompous self-indulgent piece of unnecessary writing.

Someone asked me again recently: Is there a type of man that you like?

I pondered a while upon the broad spectrum of life-spaces and physical appearances of the guys that I have been attracted to. It’s actually rather difficult to put a “type” to them. You see, I appreciate diversity.

But what I can say is that all of the guys that I have been mildly infatuated with (referring to the vast database one builds up over decades of singleness) probably have very little obvious things in common. They definitely don’t look the same. They don’t speak the same language. They weren’t all born in the same country. They don’t all do the same specific job. They’re not all in the same age group. They’re not all in my age group, for that matter.

You can line them all up, and you probably won’t be able to guess that their common denominator is “being crushed on for a while by Cilnette Pienaar”. I am also convinced that very few of them would wear that label in public … and I can say that because most of them are still my friends, despite having to deal with a weird vibe for while … It’s called maturity. And love, actually.

What all of the above-mentioned candidates do however share, is that they all have strong convictions that they live from. They are all passionate about something in life, aren’t afraid of being vulnerable, show compassion and kindness to people, and they love God sincerely through uniquely inspirational worship lifestyles.

Most of them are rather stubborn and set in their ways. Committed to whatever work they’re doing and determined in the pursuit of their callings.

Most of them have the humility that comes from knowing their own brokenness on a deep level. There’s just something about someone who has gone through some serious crap and still has a gentle heart. A man who has surrendered his pride to find rest in his confidence in God.

They understand grace from experience, and that allows others the freedom to be themselves in their presence. They are secure enablers.

Appreciators of art, but not necessarily expressive communicators themselves. You cannot have two divas in one relationship, I guess …

This question of who I am prone to like made me think about what all of their combined shared characteristics teach me about myself.

And more specifically, what it teaches me about the environment that creativity instinctively knows it needs to flourish in …

I have learned a few things about creativity from being in relational environments where it is simply not understood. You see, the more you get to know yourself, the more you discover where you are not seen and what you don’t need. I have grown to understand and love my own creativity. I sense when it is free to express and serve, and when it is simply not wanted.

Creativity is a shy forest-bird with a deep need for privacy and seclusion. Creativity is also a diva-flower, with a drive to display the fullness of its splendor, and be appreciated for it. It is in the space of those two extremes where creativity is most vulnerable to both pride and rejection.

I have know men (*not in the biblical sense of the word …:)) who were able to see that I have a special type of creativity that expresses both artistically and strategically. They were able to see and appreciate the diva-flower, but not necessarily willing to live with and nurture it. At some stage intimidation / admin kicks in, and romance flies out the window.

I have also known men (*see note above …) who were able to see the value of having strategic creativity as an asset to their lives, but not in the sense of a partnership. They could picture the forest-bird submitting its song in service. For the sake of their callings. Their pursuits. Their reputations. Their vision. At some stage the bird starts to realize that, and romance flies out the window.

I have not yet come to know the man with the calling to be able to gently prune a diva-flower, whilst making a forest-bird feel safe enough to leave its place of hiding. One that recognizes the helper that he needs. The “help me help you …” type of helper. Who knows that finding a a wife, is finding a good thing, and favor from the Lord … I’ll tell you when I have met such a man. In fact, I shall tell the whole world. With a song. And a press release. And a shout from the rooftops. You get the point. It’s been a while …

You see, creativity is a strange type of precious. It is a desert rose, and an abalone. You force it to display the pearl it protects? It clams up. You give it too much water (read: indulgent attention)? it drowns in its ego.

Be that as it may.

This is not really about relationships or my strange attraction to guys who run for the hills when they find out that I might like them. That’s a blog for another day …

This is actually about learning to steward creativity. It’s about learning which environments (relational and organizational) are most suitable for creativity to flourish in. And which are not. It’s about fiercely protecting creativity from stifling control, but learning to be brave in surrendering it to enabling covering.

There are more, but I have pinned it down to at least four things that makes an environment (relational or organizational) “creativity unfriendly”. At least, for me:

• Non-negotiable and predetermined top-down communicated outcomes. Creativity needs to be given the space to suggest an alternative outcome to what was proposed as a goal in the first place. It needs to be allowed to suggest alternative situations (in relationships and organizations) that takes processes and planning to places that previously were not imagined as possibilities. It needs space to experiment. Not always. Just often. It needs both a coloring book with lines, and an empty canvas. Depending on its level of confidence in its own skill.
• Lip-service to innovation, but structural inhibitions to real change. There is nothing that discourages a creative soul more than getting it excited about the prospect of creating something new, and then not changing the existing structures to adapt for the new thing to actually be received and used. Don’t keep saying things will change. Change things, then say it.
• The fear of reprimand. Creativity will not flourish when it fears punishment for taking risks that fail. It will hide until it feels safe again. It is as childlike simple as that.
• A lack of acknowledgement for value-added. If creativity is not seen as being valued for its vital contribution, it will not show itself. Few people will notice that it is gone. Even in themselves. But the world is a sadder place where all “lavish” flowers beds are replaced with “practical” concrete pavements.

You see, Creative Capacity is not just my sort-of dormant business. The logo is my personal life declaration. It is the definition of my life mission. Wherever I go, and in whatever I am involved with, existing structures and ideas are involuntarily challenged to test if it leads to a culture and environment within which creativity can reach its full capacity to be able to add strategic value.

It’s not about me. I try to live in such a way so that, in small ways, I help to make spaces more friendly for others like me. That is my calling.

How the hell does all of this waffling on about creating a nurturing environment for creativity to be able to add strategic value, relate back to the question of the type of guy I like?

You make the non-existent obvious connections. That’s what creativity does.

It’s pretty clear to me …

Selah.

Belofte

Jou naam, ge-ets langs myne,
in ou geskiedenis geskryf.
Gees-gefluisterde woorde
hou ek al vir jare styf.

Hulle, koninklik, reeds toe al, een.
Sonder dat ek weet.
Net twee name, ’n dekade terug in my hart gedrup
so duidelik dat ek nooit sal vergeet.

Jou roeping, om te suiwer.
Myne, om te sing.
Saam ’n nuwe hooglied
om Hom roem te bring.

Die wag en soek al moedeloos,
herhaaldelik misgekyk deur ander oë.
Maar vanaand, toe ek ons raaklees,
skep Woord genade om weer te glo.

Selah.

The higher order clash of creativity and compliance

“It is tough to keep a creative spirit alive in a world where often only compliance gets measured.”

Cilnette Pienaar ™©

This coming week I have the privilege of graduating with a masters degree. It will be the fourth graduation ceremony I have the honor of attending. I feel arrogant in writing that sentence. But it is not the point. So please read that sentence as a statement of fact, and read on for the point of the post… *(See disclaimer below)

My path has thus far led through four universities. From each of those institutions of higher learning I have gathered a vast amount of knowledge about numerous fields of study. I have met phenomenal people.

I have also encountered different world-views and alternative perspectives on the same body of knowledge. Rhodes University has a different worldview to Stellenbosch University. I can tell you that from experience. The University of Pretoria looks at business communication in a very different way than what Vega does. Even the academic language usage differs. I can tell you that from experience as well.

All the universities look at the world in a different way to what “practice” does. I can tell you that from experience of being in both practice and academia. At the same time.

I am often really frustrated by how students are trained for the “real world”. To be brutally honest, in many instances, they aren’t really. “To think creatively on your feet” is not really celebrated in a world where lists and tables and referencing requirements rule. They do need to get pretty good at technical care and admin pretty fast. That is rather useful, I guess. The other useful thing they get is a way of thinking. But that they don’t really see as useful …

What they however are taught very well, is to be compliant. They learn very quickly that there is a system with set standards, and if you want to get through to the next round you have to do what is required of you to meet the demands of whatever system you need to navigate. It’s not that much different in many organisations either. Some churches included, unfortunately.

I perform my heart out in-front of a class and get them super excited about a real case study that is currently rolling out. Not one lecture goes by where someone doesn’t thank me for the enthusiasm and inspiration, but at the end of the day the only questions I get are along the lines of: Mam, should we study page 5 so that we can give it back word-for-word?

Point being.

One of the things that I have learnt through the 15-odd years being student, lecturer and practitioner (in “secular” and “religious” environments), is that one of the rarest phenomena in this world, is true creativity.

Creativity that solves old problems in new ways.

Creativity that asks: Does it have to be done this way again?

Creativity that sees obvious links between fields where others see barriers to entry.

Creativity that questions if the results that are set out as goals are the right goals in the first place.

My masters degree thesis was actually on a MComm Strategic Management topic. I am graduating with a MPhil in Music Technology. Very few academics see the link.

My Post Graduate Diploma in Journalism was supposed to just include a specialisation in economic journalism, but I also majored in creative writing. It was a special concession. The Reserve Bank of South Africa in essence funded my studies, and it included analysing the budget speech and publishing poetry. Very few editors see the link.

My BComm Communication Management honors thesis topic was a spiritual leadership-style study. Very few pastors see the link.

It is hard to keep a creative spirit alive in a world where often only compliance gets measured.

You sometimes have to work twice as hard: On the one hand to meet the requirements of the system, and on the other hand to fight from doing only that. I have met a precious few people who are able to do that. I am inspired by those people.

I’m not propagating the end of systems and measurement. I’m over that phase. There is much to say for order and structure and standards of excellence. Not all set requirements are wrong. Some are wise.

My aunt once said something I will always remember when I’m doing something that I don’t particularly enjoy to meet a requirement that I think is unnecessary: “Sometimes, you have to earn the right to be heard.” So I shut-up, and I work within that system until I’m good at navigating it. Then, if I care enough, I develop a different system behind the scenes and I wait for the right opportunity to present it.

I think I am just at a point in my professional life where I am questioning the emphasis on quantitative over qualitative measurement, especially when it comes to the value that people add to organisations (and society). Let’s make sure we measure the right things (in terms of being a whole human) especially in organisations, because at the end of the day people will default their behaviour towards what they are measured on and remunerated for. It’s human nature to do that.

Very rarely do you find people who have the wisdom to do beyond what others expect of them. Especially if there is a risk of being punished for inevitable mistakes that are part and parcel of pioneering. If only compliance is required, most people will be happy to only comply. As long as they have perceived job and income security.

In the rare and precious environments where real creativity is required and celebrated (and honest mistakes are dealt with as re-directions, and not as punishable disasters), they might flap around at first. But then they might just eventually fly. Sometimes, away. That is one of the risks of relenting control.

I am thankful and overjoyed for the fourth piece of paper that I will be getting this week.

I am however sometimes a little disillusioned by how unseen the value added by creativity is, even when a system’s expectations are continuously exceeded on a compliance level …

Selah.

*Disclaimer: I claim very little credit for it. Any perceived achievements along this interesting journey can only be credited to the fact that God is faithful to His plan for my life, and that He puts me with the right people in the right context to achieve His often-unknown-to-me purposes. I am also more aware that, in the current climate on South African university campuses, that this privileged is not to be taken for granted and that there are people who have been historically excluded from the opportunities that I have had as a result of the community that I was born into. My voice is not loud and brave enough on those challenges yet, and I am aware of that too. Selah.

PS. This document in its original format is typed up in Helvetica, font-size 10, 1.5-line-spacing, justified. It was UK spell-checked … 😉

The blessing of disillusionment

One of my favorite songs is Alanis Morrisette’s Thank U. (Just take the nudity in the music video as a metaphor for vulnerability…:)).

The song speaks to me of finally facing reality, and the disillusionment that sometimes results from doing that.

Where someone is faced with a season in their life where things didn’t exactly go the way they though it would. And then the journey to re-align to tangible truth. To dig up again who you really are. The you that you might have lost under the pursuit of illusions.

We seem to think to be disillusioned is a negative thing. But actually, to live under an illusion is much worse.

There is much more to say.

But for now, let’s just suffice to say that the pursuit of truth has to sometimes lead to disillusionment.

And it’s not a bad thing.

Truth is the only valid foundation for hope.

Seek truth.

Selah.

Redeemed completion

I basically had two new year’s resolutions for 2015.

One: Start and finish a masters degree.
Two: Feel confident to take a photo in a bikini again.

Both of these seem like rather straight-forward (and arguably, “secular”) resolutions to have. They also seem rather self-focused. Vain, even.

But every story has a back-drop. And sometimes the unpopular sacrifices that people make to pursue what is in their hearts don’t make sense to the casual social media onlooker … but to the inquirer, and the friend, insight comes with compassion …

I had those two goals in my mind through-out 2015. I aligned my schedule and my activities with those goals, as one wants strategy to actually work. In this process, I chose to step away from a few leadership’y type roles, and even some relationships, in order to make mental space for the focused action required to pursue goals. I know that there were a few people who held varying degrees of approving and disapproving opinions over me not engaging fully with activities that previously seemed like priorities to me. I was fully aware of some perceptions. Very few things that get said behind my back go unnoticed :). But, I had set my heart on accomplishing those two particular goals. They were both of critical importance to me. I knew that it might cost me some of my “ministry reputation”. Whatever that is … :).

So … perhaps it is now time to explain some of the motivations behind the first of those “secular goals”.

Just a side-note: I don’t propagate that we always have to explain ourselves to others. We don’t. I simply share this as a plea for all of us to pause before we make generic statements about peoples’ lives before we have sat with them to hear the reasons for their season … There are people pursuing the things that call in their hearts, and they sometimes feel like the community they belong to don’t understand why they’re not “invested” in or “committed” to the community vision. They have to deal with statements like: “I’m so worried about her, she’s probably back-slidden too.” Or another personal favorite: “What a pity, she had such ministry leadership potential.” For example … 🙂

I’m not saying that this was the case with me. I have been supported immensely and showered with bucket-loads full of grace and encouragement. I have also been misunderstood by people who don’t have the capacity to see beyond their own perceptions of what the Kingdom looks like. Que sera …

Point is, I’m sharing this because I want to encourage those people who feel “misunderstood” to stay in community, and to continue figuring out how to pursue the God-given call to “outside the camp.”

Selah, right there.

Back to the goals.

The Mphil Music Technology degree I did in 2015 was my third attempt at doing a masters degree.

The first two were aborted. At a massive cost to my faith, my confidence and my pocket.

Few people know this, but I was enrolled for a masters degree at the University of Pretoria for five years. Where I also was a lecturer for three of those five years. I literally could not complete that degree. After cum laudes through-out undergrad, and graduating top-of-class in my honors year. It was a mountain on my back for five years. I remember more than one occasion where I closed my office door and lay face-down on the floor, begging the Lord for clarity. The clarity did not come at age 24. It came at age 34. Ten years later than what I wanted …

In essence, it was the first time in my life that I failed at academics. It cost me a bursary, which I had to pay back. So I had “wasted” five years academically speaking (now I know nothing is ever wasted, but back then it felt like a waste), and a crap-load of money, and I had nothing to show for it. It was an inexplicable inability to perform according to the expectations I had of myself, and I was devastated. It broke my pride, my ego, and my confidence. I de-registered after five years of frustration. It felt like an epic fail.

Few people know this either, but after a stint in Joburg and an amazingly redemptive year at Rhodes in Grahamstown, I got accepted into the Journalism masters programme at Stellenbosch. It was one of the reasons that caused me to move here. I attended the introduction week.

Then I quit. Again.

The epic fail of the five years still haunted me. Actually, that was more of a “laying Izak down” exercise than a quit. I felt much lighter when I decided to not chase this illusive masters degree thing, and to actually just be present to build community in a new town. But, it was still a “failure” to me, and it still had a sting.

Fast-forward a few years. Along comes one road-trip conversation mid-2014. My friend Deon mentioned that he was looking into furthering his studies, and the music department casually came into the conversation. I was dabbling a bit in the music industry at that stage. Something in my spirit responded, albeit a tentative and hesitant and freaked-out response.

Context: I was also lecturing part-time at Stellenbosch and I began to realize that any hopes of a future career in academia is at a dead-end without the furthering of research experience. Two NQF 8 qualifications and ten years of work experience don’t really weigh much when pitched against professorships and PhD’s and published conference papers. So I had a decision to make. Suck up the fear of failure and start to go again for what you really want. Or remain in the realm of the slightly odd-ball junior part-time lecturer for the rest of your life. Nothing wrong with that. It’s just that I’m not a junior lecturer anymore. I will always be slightly odd-ball …

So, I took a chance and emailed Gerhard. Who happened to be an exceptionally open-minded study-leader with a capacity to deal with complexity. Like navigating the “recognition of prior-learning” process for someone who does not have any formal music training … who wants to finish a music-related thesis in nine months. Also, Debbie, who agreed to be co-supervisor to a risky inter-departmental study that could have gone in any direction. Both of them whilst managing a massive workload and completing their own PhD’s. Pause. Respect. And much, much, much gratitude. Mostly, for enabling an atmosphere where this break-through could happen. There are more people to thank. They get mentioned in the bedankings section of the thesis that was indeed submitted in basically nine months. I dedicated the study to my dad. That single line on page 2 had me crying for days, knowing how much he had invested in my life to enable all the opportunities I had.

Another selah.

The entire study was enabled by God’s goodness. Every step of the journey was challenged like you cannot believe. I literally gave up almost every week. But somehow, the tangible grace of God encouraged and enabled the completion of something that I don’t even know why it was so important to me. The things that worked together to make this study actually happen is a story for another day. Some of the stuff is literally miraculous. Or at least, perfect Holy Spirit timing. Ask me, and I’ll tell you the details of how God made this desire to complete a study an actual reality for me.

So, even though the marks have not been formally released (I sometimes intentionally practice the habit of counting chicken before they hatch … but I will only really breathe out when I have the actual degree certificate in my hand), I am pausing to be deeply thankful for the fact that five years of failure, and another sacrificial “laying” down, has finally come to rest in one year of redeemed completion.

It wasn’t just a silly goal. There were phenomenal people who were part of this journey. It was a fight for what I believe to be part of my destiny. It was taking in promised land.

All glory to Him who gives when the season is right. Even if is is ten years later than originally expected …

So, that was goal one.

Be encouraged.

Here is the evidence of goal two … yes, it’s a recent pic. And a work in progress …

The overcoming-body-issues blog will follow. But basically, me posting a picture like that in a public sphere is another miracle.

But we’ll save that for another Sunday. First get over the shock of the swimsuit edition of Tapestry of Thought … :).

Selah.

The subtle intentionality of indifference

Disclaimer: As with reading any piece of subjective writing, your own state of mind will have a large influence on what you read between these lines. It is written from a vulnerable place. It is both heavy and humorous. It might still smell of gangrene. Some will pick up notes of arrogance, and some hints of self-pity. But those in the know will simply smile at the not-so-subtlety of audacity. One has, as a matter of national interest, a reputation of being feisty to uphold …

Communication is a subtle art. Most of its hues are nuanced. Real meaning lies in what is not articulated. Non-verbal clarity, and such.

Maybe it’s a girl thing.

Be that as it may.

The ability to read words that are not written “in plain English” is often a source of tension to me. To hear things that are not said. Loud and clear.

I sometimes wish there could be classes to teach this stuff. It would save us all a lot of wasted time and emotional energy. So, towards that curriculum development, here is a quick run-down of the top phrase-translations I’ve managed to master over the past few years. I have handed out, and I have received. I know I have hurt/confused as much as I have been hurt/confused. Often, in both the receiving and in the handing out, there was no malicious intent. Or sometimes, not even awareness. But hearts were hurt. Or shamed. Or angered. And I wish we could find a way for that to not happen anymore.

So let’s start by being real. Some phrases have a very obvious non-articulated message. It’s not an exact science, unfortunately. I trust, however, that they will come in handy. Just paying it forward:

“Sorry man, I’m too busy.” – Translation: He/she is just not that into you.
“O, did I not include you in that email I sent to 300 people to invite them to my thing?” – Translation: He/she is just not that into you.
“Let’s catch up at another stage.” – Translation: He/she is just not that into you.
Radio silence after a question – Translation: He/she is just not that into you.

That’s what I have learned to hear. Loud and clear. It’s the process of learning to pick up the not-so-subtle difference between intentionality and indifference that we’re talking about here.

And it’s ok. No need for retribution or slander. Decide if you can deal with the outskirts of the friend-zone, and re-align your expectations accordingly. Or move along swiftly. And always remember: Someone else might be needing as much grace as you do, because they are in a war that they don’t know how to cope with, and your un-communicated but obvious expectations aren’t helping. Often, it has nothing to do with you. Be a friend. WWJD.

Sounds easy, right?

But you see, the main problem is that insecurity thrives on assumptions. Add to that mix our human default setting: Fear of rejection. It’s a recipe for emotional baggage. I’ve lugged my fair share of that around.

And when you start adapting your behavior to align with your assumptions to entertain your insecurities, full-on misunderstanding can take root and cause unnecessary tension in a previously uncomplicated relationship where a simple honest conversation could have blasted a misinformed assumption with truth. That doesn’t mean you’ll get what you wanted. It just means you’ll have truth to work with. There is no freedom without truth.

Get it? I obviously still haven’t. But at least I am aware of my ignorance. How’s that for a juxtaposition.

Communication is a subtle art. But sometimes bluntness and honesty is required if a relationship is valued. And minds actually change. Hearts do to. “Finding you can change, learning you were wrong …”

If only I could remember to always practice kindness. But I often don’t. And for that I apologize.

I know you are all well-versed in discerning bitterness … so don’t allow it to jump on you from this post … :). In the words of Florence and the Machine: “It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake it off …”. I could also be accused of being downright bitchy in these few humbly submitted lines. I am well aware of that too. In the words of Pink: “Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die …”. And in the words of Carly Simon: “You walked into the party, like you were walking onto a yacht…”. See disclaimer above.

A girl’s gotta deal.

If you’ve been in this war as long as some of us have, you become familiar with front-line fire.

I have had to count the cost of someone else’s calling. And someone else’s freedom of choice. I have been in love with those perceived to be either renegades or generals. Some didn’t know. Some did. I’ve had to step back on the odd occasion to avoid emotional or spiritual annihilation. Sometimes love isn’t enough. With some people marriage, and even close friendship, really is a matter of anointing. If you step in / step up to walk alongside someone who has been confronting principalities and demons all their life, those forces will have a go at you too. That’s the reality of spiritual warfare. Bly in jou baan.

If you are uncomfortably or unfamiliar with spiritual warfare, refer to the one2one. If you are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the one2one, refer to the Bible. if you are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the Bible, please accept my apology for confirming your suspician of over-spiritual people. Those weird Christians … Rest assured that you were not the intended audience for this post. I guarantee you that I have been psychologically examined on more than one occasion, and I am sort of sane … Trust me, I have wondered about that too :).

If none of this makes sense, maybe that’s the point.

It’s all poetry.

And it’s complicated.

I know.

Love is, in the end, patient and kind. But it also rejoices with the truth. Where there isn’t rejoicing, there probably isn’t truth yet. And it’s difficult (read: a fight to the death-of-self) to allow truth to bring you to a place where love does not seek its own.

The Way is, after all, narrow.

Selah.

Annoyed by hope

I once read something along the lines of the following: “If you never want to be disappointed, you should never have expectations.”

I thought about that, and about what it implies.

To never have expectations, is basically to live without hope.

How lame.

So, what then when you do get disappointed? Do you let go of expectations completely? Is that even possible?

Let me rewind a little.

I know all about getting what you want in life. It would be hypocritical and melodramatic of me to not acknowledge that many of the good things that I had an expectation for came to pass. Better than how I pictured it.

I have countless testimonies of how following the inclinations of my desires made me take steps of faith that have lead to great results, and the fruition of stuff that was pipe-dreams not too long ago.

So, basically I have tasted and I have seen and I have felt that the Lord is good. Many times. Enough to make me continue in the hopeful expectation of seeing His goodness breakthrough in every area of my life.

That being said.

Sometimes having an expectation does feel a bit like being set-up for disappointment.

If your heart started to go in a direction because of what you hoped/expected would be on the other end of the journey, and you suddenly just seem to reach a dead-end along that road, it is inevitable to feel a bit deflated.

It’s just how it works. The Bible says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick …”*

In GPS terms, those are basically the “re-calculate” moments.

I’m thankful for an internal GPS that is very sensitive. I literally cannot lie to my heart. It tells me the truth about what I’m feeling loud and clear. It sometimes takes a bit of time for my pride to acknowledge what my heart is truthful about, though.

Point is. I know when I feel disappointed. When I wanted something that I didn’t get. For whichever Good or self-inflicted reason.

I know I have a choice in how I deal with it.

Normally, there are a few weeks of inner-room tantrum-throwing and sulking. The behaviour can range from just being sad to having a bad attitude to full-on sin and rebellion. Depends on the state of my heart. Sometimes, other people get hurt in this process of me just being bleh. Collateral damage. For this, I apologise.

So, eventually, I recognise that my emotional state is just a response to a disappointment. Which is rooted in an expectation. My idea of how things should have been …

And then I eventually sit down before the Lord to deal with the expectation.

“Father, I really actually wanted …”

Truth. Honesty. Surrender. You can’t go wrong with those in prayer …

And so the healing can start.

There are areas in my life where I feel like perpetual disappointment has literally numbed me to expectation. Or at least, made me kick really hard against any form of hope. Keeping it real, like always.

But that doesn’t seem to bother hope one bit.

Because hope has a way of being persistent to the point of being annoying to a heart that has been chafed by disappointment one too many times.

But I never want that annoyance to leave me. I want it to keep scraping away the Spirit-conflicting flesh desires.*

I want to be annoyed by hope until my expectations (or self-inflated ideas of how things should be to suit me) aligns with Heavens’ pure desire for my life. So that it can be fulfilled to serve the purposes of God in this generation.

Because a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.*

Selah.

*Scripture references:

Prov. 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Galatians 6:16 “So I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other so that you are not to do whatever you want.”

Please hold the line

Please hold the line.

Your call is important to us.
Promise.
We’re just dealing with a lot right now.

But please do hold the line.

We will get to you.
Eventually.

When we’ve dealt with all the other important things.

So, please, do hold the line.

We’re not sure for how long.
We’ll have to get back to you on that.
Perhaps not immediately.

Perhaps later.

When the timing is better.

When the things that clamor for our attention are less.

But please do hold the line.

Your call is important to us.

Promise.

…

Selah.

2016 enroute

I think it’s rather obvious that I enjoy a road-trip on the odd occasion. Actually, it’s more in the planning part where the adventure lies for me. I take my road-atlas, and I consider all the different routes that I haven’t taken before. I consult websites for affordable accommodation and interesting attractions in the small towns of this beautiful nation. (I quite like www.lekkeslaap.co.za at the moment).  There really is something in every town to photograph. Then I sort of decide on a route, always leaving the option open for a detour on the spur of the moment …

This has been a way of solo-traveling for me for quite some time. My family literally lives 2 000km on the other side of the country. I’m pretty much as South West as one gets in SA. They are pretty much as North East. Jip, flying is an option. But South Africa really is a road-trippers’ dream. Most of the main’ish tarred roads are well kept (if you ignore the odd pothole). Even the smallest Karoo-dorp has some form of a backpackers, if not a hotel. Everywhere, hospitality. I have been traveling (literally) across this country, by myself, for a long time now. I have not once, in any instance, felt unsafe. Point is … be wise, but get going …

Setting destinations and planning routes has taught me a little about life too.

It really doesn’t help to dream about one day seeing a place, but never actually allocating resources (time, fuel …) to physically go there. It’s the same with life-dreams. If you want to be a singer, you need to stop fantasizing about one day standing on stage. You literally have to pick up the phone and call a producer. I know a few if you need contacts :). If you want to be a pilot, you literally have to enroll for a flight training course. If you dream of starting your own business, you must get the structure in place. Get a logo. Try the Business Model Canvas.

I think you get my drift.

There is no use in having a map on the wall of all the places you want to visit, but never actually putting petrol in your tank and driving out of your neighborhood …

We are standing before a new year. Goal setting is a normal inclination.

This year, let me make it easy for you. It’s basic strategy 101.

If you want to get somewhere specific, figure out the road to get there. As far as I know, we don’t yet have the technology to transport you there in an instant. It’s the same with achieving life goals. They take some planning, and some intentional direction changes … We loose heart when we are unrealistic about what it might take to reach the goals we set for ourselves. I once drove from Pretoria to Stellenbosch in one day. By myself. Through a storm on the mountain pass. At night. Not wise. It almost broke my love for road-tripping. Now, I won’t drive more that 8 hours in a day. It has taught me that in life you can really aim for anything, but be wise in how you approach getting there, or the time it might take. Know your capacity.

If you want to get fit this year, I recommend a personal trainer to get you started. Dreaming about loosing weight is futile. Enter a 10km race that is in three months time … If you want to get your head-space right, I recommend counseling. We don’t always have the mental capacity to figure stuff out by ourselves. If your goal is to make new friends, consider joining a new hobby club. Or something.

Every destination has a route to get there. If there isn’t a road yet, you have to realize that making a road is part of your challenge … count the cost.

Change requires action. That has become a bit of a motto for me.

There are things that you can’t plan. Like falling in love. I’ve tried to plan for that. Doesn’t really work. But you can be prepared and open for whatever you might discover on the journey of life … Tinder really was a joke. But it did boost my confidence to feel like there are at least random strangers who think I look ok enough on a photo to superlike … :).

You also can’t plan for tragedy and crises. Not really. You can, however, be built on the Rock, so that when tragedy or crises hits, you will make it through by His grace. Tried and tested. I guarantee that this is true.

It’s that time of year when people set new years’ resolutions. I don’t like the word. It sounds destined to fail. I much prefer the concept of goal-setting. “Resolution” sounds like something that only exists to make you feel guilty if you don’t keep to it. “Goal” sounds achievable if you allocate resources and intentionality to it. Semantics …

One of my habits over this time of the year is to unpack all the commitments I have made in the past year. I consider every commitment (financial, time, ministry, work, relational etc.) again. We allocate our resources (especially time) according to the commitments we make. Commitments lead to certain weekly and daily routines. And those routines become the way we structure our lives. They become the grooves we fall into when life just happens. After I unpack my commitments, I consider my “goals”, and even the dreams I still hold in my heart. My calling. I prayerfully bring my commitments (that which becomes my routine, or the “spoor” I travel on in the year) and my goals (where I actually want to get in the year) in alignment. I don’t always change things drastically. I just make sure that I am actually structuring my weeks in such a way that I don’t feel like I’m stuck in a “rut`”, next to the path I actually want to be on …

In 2015 I paused many of my commitments because my only goal was to complete a masters degree in a year. By grace, this goal was achieved. Well, in faith. Marks are only out in Feb … O yes, I also got a website for Creative Capacity. Another long-term dream with a few detours …

But I was intentional. In 2013 and 2014 I spent time and money on recording and promoting two songs, because I wanted to see what the dream of being a singer would take. Both the recording exposure and the masters degree in music technology have been steps towards a desire to sing. It has not been an overnight “success story”, and it probably won’t ever be about “being famous”. It is about doing what is in my heart to do. Poetry and melody. Observations and commentaries. Point is, there’s a dream, and there are roads that lead to engaging with that dream. You really don’t have to win Idols to be a musician in this country. You just have to be willing to risk. And work really hard.

Another dream of mine, is writing. That’s what this blog has been about, mainly. Keeping the dream alive … but watch this space. I have a feeling that 2016 might have a writing cloak on …

Point is.

If you want to get somewhere, you have to actually point your horse in that direction, and get it to take the first step … and that first step is often by faith. I enroll for races that I know I’m not fit enough for yet. I email producers without having a melody for a poem yet. I commission logos and websites before my company is even registered … :).

Are you going to be disappointed along the way? I guarantee it. Will there be road-works and detours and flat tires? Most definitely. There is not one story of anyone who did what is in their hearts to do that does not include more than one major set-back.

Hope deferred is one of those inevitable life-wounds that we need to actually not ignore. A sore heart (in the emotional sense), is not a terminal illness. Get it healed. Whatever it takes. His grace is sufficient. Trust me. Been there.

Hope really is a precious flower. Tend to it with intentional care.

You are still here. Therefor, you still have reason to be here.

Do what it takes to get your heart going in 2016.

Prov. 16:3 (AMP) Commit your works to the Lord [submit and trust them to Him], And your plans will succeed [if you respond to His will and guidance].

Selah.