Dalk kan ek
meer
gee
as ek nie so vaskyk
teen my eie gevolgtrekkinge nie
Dalk word daar
makliker
gepraat
as ek nie so oortuig is
van wat reeds besluit is nie
Dalk kan dit
gouer
genees
as ek nie so bewus is
van die vooroordele nie
En dalk kan ons
goed
wees
as jy nie so skerm
waar daar nie gevaar is nie
Last night, I had an opportunity to share some of my story at out church ladies event.
The theme of the event is “Arise”. I thought about the significance of the invitation to arise, from whatever it may be be where one has been “knocked down.”
Romans 12:12 was the verse for the evening. Marion spoke about being joyful in hope, and tannie Susan about being faithful in prayer. Lize was the MC, and Tertia and Riette shared their powerful testimonies and insights as well. What a delight to learn from the real stories and revelations of other women!
The part of the verse for the evening that I spoke on is “be patient in afflication.”
Here is a summary of the main points:
When I teach, I normally first unpack concepts.
So, what is patience, and what is affliction?
Patience for me is a heart attitude. The definition Google gives is that it is “the capacity to tolerate delay, problems or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious”. “Staying power” stood out for me as well. It is a fruit of the Spirit.
Affliction, on the other hand, seems like a direct attack on peace. “A cause of pain or harm, or a state of being in pain”. I see storm clouds. With threatening hail. Basically, everything that tests patience to the max.
There have been a few contexts that have activated seasons of afflication in my life. For the purpose of the talk, I summarise it into a) open graves and b) unfulfilled desires.
Both my parents passed away on Fridays. My father passed away on 18 September 2009. My mother passed away last year June. In a nutshell, I became an orphan at the age of 36, and have sort of been in mourning for 9 years. Without going into too much detail, the afflication of grief and mourning is well portrayed by two prophetic images that friends had for me during the course of 2017: Running a gladiator’s gauntlet, and being pummelled by a massive wave, not knowing where is up or down, or even if you will ever see the beach again. Literally, a sense of drowning.
The other context that causes occasional “afflication” is the fact that I have desired to be married for as long as I can remember, but that I am 37 and have yet to meet the prophesied prince … unfulfilled desires are sometimes catalysts for emotional afflication.
Firstly, looking at patience in mourning:
The insight that enabled me to have an attitude of waiting on the Lord, and growing in patience through mourning was whispered to my heart on the day of going to the morgue after my dad died. I was panicking about all the admin and the mountains of two funerals that lay before us. I simply heard the Holy Spirit say: It is finished.
And that has been my eternal perspective on mourning. It s finished, Jesus won. We will see our loved ones in the Lord again. This life is not what this life is about.
The action required for me to hold on to that perspective, though, is to worship in spirit and truth, and to stay rooted in and covered by authentic community, and family.
Two moments of worship that stand out for me in this journey.
– Singing “Your love O’ Lord” at my father’s funeral. “… and I will find my strength in the shadow of your wings”, is a line on the song. The Lord gave me Psalm 57:1 before I flew up to JHB to be with my dad, who was in already in a coma: “You will hide me under the shadow of your wings, untill this disaster has passed.” I also had a vision of Jesus on the cross, as the plain landed.
– Signing “death is defeated, we are victorious, You are alive …” on Mother’s Day this year. I had to do four takes in practice before I could actually get the words out.
I also journal. As in, a lot.
The outcome of this seasons of affliction for me, is the absolute knowing that God is real. My most precious faith has been through fire, and I am left with an unshakable knowing that He is true. When everything that your identity has been built on is shaken, when you are not longer anyone’s physical daughter, all you are left to be is a child of God. You find that it is true. You find that He is true. He has kept me safe under the shadow of His wings, and there have been many potential disasters that have passed.
So, my declaration is: God is good. God is faithful. God redeems. God restores.
Psalm 40: ”I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD And put their trust in him.”
The second context seems less dramatic, but sometimes equally painfull: Patience in unfulfilled desire.
I have yet to be someone’s girlfriend.
Romantic relationships have yet to work out in my life. It’s either he’s just not that into you or something’s just not there yet on my side.
The insight I have is that singleness is not an affliction. It’s actually quite liberating, and there is definitely less life-admin involved. The pain however lies in the lies of shame, broken dreams, disappointments and loneliness that goes with unfulfilled desire and longing.
The action I take to be patient in this “affliction” is to petition for the promise, surrender frequently and purpose to live my best life. I delight myself in the Lord. I pour my heart out to God often, and I pursue my calling and purpose with everything I have.
The outcome of going through season of unfulfilled desire is simply this: Freedom.
My identity has been secured, apart from a relationship status. It has also dealt with idolatry, where I may have placed too much expectation on my husband or my marriage to fulfill me. I know now that only God fulfills, so my marriage will not have to carry that burden. It also refines the promise, if you have to hold on to it for so long.
My true declaration is: His grace is sufficient. My hope is alive.
Psalm 16: “Here, U is my lewe, U sorg vir my. Wat ek ontvang, kom alles van U af. ‘n Pragtige deel is vir my afgemeet, ja, wat ek ontvang het, is vir my mooi.”
At the end of the day, our ultimate example of patience in affliction, is Jesus.
If we are to be like Him, there will be seasons in our lives where we are going to need to develop patience in affliction. He has compassion. He’s been there.
At the end, it is about being left with an unshakable faith, founded upon the eternal perspective that: Love never fails.
It is all about Him. For Eternity.
Selah.
A week ago, I was pretty much at my wits end.
I was physically exhausted, but even more than that, my soul felt frayed and agitated. Dead tired. Literally. Irritable to the point of being snappy, and downright rude. Fatigued.
With a weekend ahead, filled with stuff. Hiking, worship team, class prepping, teaching at church, and a packed week looming large beyond what I knew was not going to be a restful Saturday or Sunday. Uphill, all the way. Also, battling with an undercurrent of emotional bleh-ness that I got tangled up in again, which may or may not still somehow be related to mourning. Never can be sure.
You know.
Demands. Expectations. People. Life …
Basically, I was done. Nothing left, with no option to opt out …
Too. Much. Can’t deal.
So, what do you do?
You get up on Saturday morning, and you attack a mountain. The Jonkershoek Panorama route, to be exact. Fryed nerves and all.
Got back home, after 8 hours of serious ups and downs. Literally and metaphorically. Barely energy to have a shower. Got in bed. Depleted.
Sunday morning, got up at 6am to be at church at 7. Still frayed, knowing that this would not be the ideal frame of mind to be in for worship, or for teaching about the gifts of the Holy Spirit … My soul, sapped.
Got to church, and had the sense that there were a few people feeling unusually strained, so I knew something was up.
Then it happened.
There was a moment, just before we started pre-service worship practice that one of the guys just played a sustained chord on the piano.
And suddenly, the Presence of the Lord was there.
As in, the tangible, life-giving, darkness-dispelling Presence of the One Who Is Eternal Light.
I just stood there and wept. Deep crying out to deep. Sensing that I was being touched by the One who saw the weariness of my soul, and the desperate need of my heart for His love.
It felt like a thorn was removed in that moment.
The world has been different since. Mountains were moved this week.
I don’t know how else to explain it: One real encounter with Jesus, and the world is new. I am new.
Insecurities, gone. Frustration, gone. Weariness, gone. Anger, gone. Self-pity, gone.
Feeling offended. Gone …
Vaporised by His Light.
Delivered.
The mountain, conquered.
In His Presence, there is fulness of joy.
The timing for this newfound sense of absolute freedom couldn’t be more perfect. This past week, even though it has been way busier than even anticipated, has been full of testimonies of turnarounds, restoration and completion.
I will write the testimony of my parents’ estate matters at some later stage, but we did get good news that things are very much nearing full completion now, after a few dragging delays and admin challenges. With a significant milestone that happened for us on Yom Kippur, which fell this year on my dad’s 9-years-in-Heaven anniversary. Praise the Lord for His detailed, personal care.
There is literally nothing that compares to experiencing, intimately, the love of God.
My soul has been restored. I can honestly say that my life was saved, again.
Thank, You, Abba.
He is doing a new thing.
“See! The winter is passed …”
Selah.
Ek het vanoggend by die kerk ’n klein dogtertjie gehelp om haar hande te was. Kraan oopgedraai, en gehelp met die papier bykom vir hande afdroog.
Toe sy weer by die deur uitgedans het, het ek uitgebars in trane.
Ek het 37 geword in Julie.
Daar is niks wat ek meer wil he as my eie gesin nie.
Ek wil ’n mamma wees.
Min mense weet hoe erg.
Hoe beskaam die hoop nie?
En toe droog ek my trane af, check my make-up, en gaan staan op ‘n verhoog voor ‘n kerk vol mense met dinge wat hulle oor huil agter toe deure, maar vir niemand wys nie, en ons sing saam oor die getrouheid van die Here.
Want dis waar.
Selah.
It’s been a season for me of wrestling with the concept of “breakthrough”.
If you’ve been a Christian for some time, you would have probably been in conversations where people talk about trusting God for a breakthrough, or thanking Him for a breakthrough.
This is probably one of the most frequent conversations I engage with.
Normally, when people say that, they mean that they have been trusting for circumstances to change. A sudden positive turn of events. Some form of release.
Promotion. Sickness healed. Pregnancy going full-term. Marriages established or restored. Salvation. Hard hearts softened. Addictions conquered. Politcal corruption brought to justice.
There are levels …
I’ve always associated breakthrough with the experience of being moved (personally or collectively) from a state of feeling or being “stuck in undesirable or stagnant circumstances” (related with feelings of frustration, desperation or even incarceration) to a state of being released from that space into what Christians often refer to as a “spacious place”. Of freedom, fulfilled desire, or a general experience of victory.
I do believe that this understanding of breakthrough is Bibilcal and valid and a part of the journey of Christianity. I also believe that there is a breakthrough anointing. A specific Holy Spirit authority to intercede for evil spiritual strongholds to be demolished, and Life to flow. Let Heaven come … This is sort of part of the basic mechanics of spiritual warfare.
I have the privileged of being part of a worship team. In this context, I often stand before the Lord, and a bunch of people, internally longing for a radical display of His Glory and a physically tangible outpouring of His Spirit, so that people can taste and see that He is good, and worship Him in abandoned freedom. The spiritual resistance to that cry for breakthrough is more often than not, simply put, exhausting.
It has taught me something about how to redefine breakthrough, in all areas of life.
I’m just starting to refocus what I mean when I personally pray for breakthrough.
When we’re “stuck” in circumstances or seasons that we really don’t like, we can often get really focussed on just wanting to be not in that circumstance or season any more.
We often stand before the Lord with a catch-22 statement, and a very real heart-cry: “This cannot stay like this. This has to change!” … and then … “Will this ever change?”
That “deadlocked” place is where I am currently confronted with my perspective on breakthrough.
I’ve started to change the focus of my prayer.
In circumstances that I believe require breakthrough, I now have a new cry:
Lord, reveal Yourself.
Let Christ be known.
Let me know You. Let me know myself as one known by You.
I am starting to see that the revelation of Christ (ie, when He is seen, known, received and worshipped for WHO HE IS), is breakthrough.
So, my prayers have changed from “Father, I trust you for a breakthrough in the area of …”, to “Father, please reveal Your Son to me in this area. Jesus, be known in this.”
It’s a personal cry (I want to know You in this), but it is also a corporate cry (let Yourself be known in this. Here I am, send me.)
My understanding of breakthrough has changed.
Breakthrough is when light dispels darkness. Truth replaces lies. When love wins hate. When wisdom wins foolishness. When hearts see Him.
It’s not super spiritual or airy fairy.
It is truth.
He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
And the knowledge of Truth, sets free.
To know HIM, in all things, is breakthrough.
Selah.
I bought a pair of shoes yesterday. Nothing too profound about that.
Sneakers with Van Gogh’s Almond Blossom printed on them, to be precise.
The prophetic nature of my almost involuntarily triggered actions hit me later.
I saw a campaign on social media, which I thought was a really clever piece of strategic creativity. However, South Africa doesn’t always get in on the cool stuff launched internationally. So, working in the brand communication space, I shared the campaign on various work-related platforms for inspiration and made a (not really) joke about someone from the US please helping me to get my hands on a pair … this is all documented on Facebook and Instagram … so you know it really happened :).
Basically, I saw something I wanted, but I didn’t think it was actually within my reach. Either, it would be ridiculously over-priced to import, or physically unavailable to source locally.
Can you see where this is going …
Lo, and behold. I actually have friends in the US, so that would have been an option … but we actually do have the shoes in our stores, as one of my collegues pointed out to me. In-store promos and all. Go Vans and van Gogh Museum! We weren’t excluded from the cool stuff … go South Africa! :).
So, Friday after work, I got in my car, sat in silly traffic, and drove to a mall 30km away that has a store, to buy the exact shoes I saw and wanted without really even being too concerned over asking about the price. I had a amount in mind (birthday blessings …) that I would deem ridiculous to go over. But I just had a sense that it would be below that number, in my number …
Which it was. Only just. But hey. Count the cost …
I simply knew when I saw them that I wanted those shoes, and when a realistic opportunity actually presented itsself, it was a no-brainer. I jumped. Immediately. Having counted the cost for a long time leading up to the moment of action …
It’s not that I desperately needed another pair of sneakers. Let’s be real. I’m comfortable in the shoes I have. They’re great shoes. I’ve walked many a happy mile in these shoes …
It’s never really about the shoes, is it …
You see, since the season started to shift, I have been looking out for a new pair of sneakers.
Just casually, as one does when you have something on the back of your mind that you don’t actually need urgently, so you’re willing to wait and save up for the right thing … Saw a few cool options in shop windows, but it was never quite right … So, I passed. Didn’t even bother to try them on. I knew.
Swiped left, if I may.
(Sidenote: At my lifestage, one should know oneself well enough to not waste the shop assistant’s time with shoes you know you’re not going to invest in. Mini-selah.)
So, no. I didn’t impulsively fall for a clever brand campaign.
I just found what I knew I had been looking for, when I saw it.
Then I started the process of inquiery. To test if it was, indeed, meant for me … looks being deceiving and all that … And to my surprise and delight the doors opened … and the resistance crumbled … and now I have blue shoes with a cool story … *adds drama for effect* …
Do you see where this is going …
I was reminded about the year I got to study at Rhodes. And the time I got to do a graphic design course at Vega. Both, for free. One on a Reserve Bank bursary, the other as a trade exchange … Things I only realised how much I wanted to do when I did them. Both completely out of my financial reach at that stage, were it not for the divine appointments that lead to the opportunities …
I have had numerous occasions where things I thought I could never afford at all were made available in a way that I could access it, simply because God made a way. Things I really didn’t even know I wanted, and needed, for future doors to open.
Sounds a bit like grace, doesn’t it?
People sometimes ask me why I don’t push harder or compete more aggressively for the things I say I want now.
Well, I guess I’ve just learned to allow desire to be tested. And there’s nothing like time, resistance, and the impossibility of making it happen for yourself to do just that.
This is not to be confused with passivity or unbelief. I often act on desire. I just act with a fine-tuned ear out for the “abort mission” command. To try and avoid breaking a nose, or a heart, against a door closing in my face. Or ramming into a brick wall. Or sinning. Which are all less constructive plans of action than waiting for a good gift from Above.
I believe in having “dream big” and “follow your heart” bumper stickers. But I believe in sticking “test your motives” up alongside it.
God is faithful in His “no’s”, even during my times of stubbornly pursuing things not meant for me.
But on the other hand, I thought about all the other times in my life where something I dared to want, and wait for, became a realistic opportunity. I also know what a “Yes, now!” feels like. Often, after long periods of discouragement and disillusionment, faced with seemingly impossible situations, bolted doors, thwarted plans or just plain desert drought.
Canaan, much?
Grace. It’s all grace.
Peeps. Please tell me you get that it’s not about shoes.
It’s just been a really, really, really long time. Waiting. Longing. Leaving. Laying down. Letting go. So, a small, even silly glimpse of fulfilled “desire”, actually helps to sustain hope …
This morning, as I write to unpack this cry for a season shift, for newness, I remembered a poem my late godfather wrote in my autograph book in 1993 …
“Amandelblom in somerson,
die rostrumstance(sic) jou somersdroom.
Prestasie of wen is als wederom
want amandelblom se trots dra die lewenskroon …”
For those who missed it: Amandelblom means almond blossom …
It’s about knowing who you are, in becoming who you are created to be. I won some stuff in school. In fact, I guess #winning was my motto… the poem was sort of meant to encourage me that gifting is great, and winning is a noble goal to pursue, but that my value is not based on basking in the sunshine of standing on a podium … that be the context. I think. I may have just made that up. By hey. That’s what we do with poetry …
I never got the chance to ask what the poem was supposed to really mean. My late godfather, my late mother’s brother, passed away some time before my late father, his best friend. Lot of lates in that line. Loaded with lots of heart-ache. As you might imagine.
So, you grow up. #winning seems to get harder. And then, you’re 37, and you’re not so sure what #winning even really looks like anymore …
And those be the times where you need to find shoes with priceless masterpiece almond blossoms on them. Having waited, and being subconsciously on the look-out, for something that you didn’t even know existed.
To remind you about the inheritance of flourishing that has been spoken over your life. Paid for, in full, by the Only One who could afford it.
To make plain the revelation …
There are seasons in life where no one sees you wrestling with flesh to remain kneeling in submitted obedience, aching for a true conviction to act on, while fighting lies that present false fulfilment on a platter.
There are seasons that refine those convictions. For real desire to be revealed. For fake/fleshly greed/lust/pride/ambition to fall away.
Ephesians 2:10 “ For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
It’s about the faith that forms when you have to keep believing, for so much longer than you ever thought would be required, that “good things” are still meant, and kept, for you. To be released, again, in season.
Proverbs 13:12 “… but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”
To stand on the word that His plans with your life will be established, to serve the purposes of God in your generation. To know that your life, and your personal breakthroughs, matter in the bigger picture.
But that it’s not about you.
Ephesians 6:15 “… and shoe your feet with the readiness of The Gospel of peace.”
How’s that for taking tekkies to levels you never imagined they could go …
“Take courage. my heart. Be steadfast, my soul. He’s in the waiting …”
Isaiah 60:22 “… in its time I will do this swiftly.”
Selah.
🙂
Binne-sien word buite-woorde
soos wat geloof gestalte kry …
Verwyste pyn
kom uit die rug uit
wanneer kern-stabiliteit
nie lewens-impak reg herlei nie
Opgekropte senuwee
skiet in tone
terwyl die oorsaak
hoër op skuil
Dieper redes
vir dowwe knelling
waar net Lig, Klank en Konfrontasie
verlossing kan bewerk …
Selah
When I started to journal this morning, I initially couldn’t really think about anything I wanted to “unpack”. I was on the verge of sort of just writing the past couple of days … weeks … off as one of those “it flew right by me” seasons, close the journal, and get on to whatever activities I constructed to fill the weekend …
Then, the lazy-Saturday-morning-coffee kicked in, the fog of being automatically “on a roll” with life started to lift, and I began to think about the significant conversations I had, and the caliber of people I casually get to spend time with, even just over the last couple of days.
Five pages later, I realized how much wealth had been osmosed into my life during this past week, and actually every week, through observations of and conversations with phenomenal people. Some of these observations require more discretion than others, but all of them hold powerful principles and nuggets of wisdom to internalise, and I believe, share.
We often joke that our town is an eagle’s nest, referring to the concentration of vision, ambition, and talent per square meter … In this context, spending time simply listening to acquaintances, friends, and colleagues, and observing how much character it takes for true wisdom to prevail, is actually a subliminal MBA in leadership …
Here are just a few of the leadership and character insights that osmosed into my now-deliberate consciousness, from being around inspirational people this week:
Leaders listen to learn: I had a quick dinner with a someone that I haven’t seen in a long time … I hold this person in high regard for various reasons. Foremost of these reasons is the respect I have for how they love their family, and how they generously serve the faith-community they lead locally, and influence nationally and internationally, through the multiple layers of gifting they have. What I appreciated a lot from the conversation was being asked thought-provoking questions, and then actually being listened to. I observed deliberate empathetic listening, with the intention to learn … which is sort-of scarce in the ranks …
Leaders verbalise values and model culture: We have team-times on Fridays where topics of interest are robustly deliberated … This week, handling stress and maintaining emotional health was on the table. Such an important topic to have conversations about in a high-paced workspace. I realised again how valuable it is when the leader of a group, or company, verbalises the values of that company, and how privileged I am to work where my personal values are largely aligned to the culture modeled by the leaders. A culture of family-first. People-first. A culture of integrity and honesty. Accountability and transparency. Respect and sincere care. Where there is space to figure things out, and own the implementation of solutions. I observed again the flourishing environment that results from exceptional leadership … and I salute that …
Leaders make space for other people’s strengths: One of my friends leads a new initiative … I observed how they are purposely drawing people around them with strengths that complement their own, and the work they’re doing to create opportunities for other people to step into their areas of competence through serving together. It is a blessing to see their intentionality to establish a culture that sets others up to function in their areas of strength … a sign of a secure leader …
True authority contextually acknowledges vulnerability: I observed a level of authority that leaders with the emotional intelligence and humility to acknowledge vulnerability in the appropriate contexts carry, that outweighs by far any positional power that they may also have, but choose not to wield. Acknowledging vulnerability in the relevant contexts demonstrates character and strength … and is one of the keys to building trust …
Higher purpose enables principled decision-making: A friends is responsible for multiple dynamics relating to a sizeable group of people … The group is part of a complex bigger picture with a dynamic public narrative. I observed how a difficult, principled, decision was made in a sensitive situation … demonstrating a commitment to cultivating Kingdom culture …
Leaders use every opportunity to equip: Another friend leads an exceptional team … In every conversation we have, I learn something fresh about maintaining positive team dynamics and nurturing individual potential, while pursuing collective purpose … and equipping others to do the same …
A title is not a prerequisite for, or a guarantee of, great leadership: This one I got from the Bible. I got stuck again into the story and poems of one of my Bible heroes. Then I began to again observe how those meta-narratives still apply in the stories of people around me, and personally. My primary observation in this round of reading was that having a title is not a prerequisite for, or guarantee of, positively impactful leadership … but having your character and calling tested, and humbly walking in the devoted fear of the Lord, is.
So, actually, on second thought, the past few days … weeks … didn’t “fly right by me” … they actually osmosed into me, through continuous encounters with eagles, reminders that … even me, I might still have, albeit slightly storm-battered, wings …
Selah.
PS.
I wonder who picked up on the slightly contrived intentional gender and race neutrality of the wording of the insights above. Which is another observation I made this week.
I’m concerned that our (granted … needed …) intentional efforts to be PC about narratives relating to gender and race equality is turning into a bit of a minefield, making it more difficult than what it should be to simply appreciate and receive leadership from whomever, and wherever we encounter it in a positive form.
But I will leave that one to simmer there, for now.
Selah 2.0.
I may have been going through a mini existential crisis.
Like I’ve mentioned before, my soul is very much like a barometer, or a thermometer. I sort of involuntarily “feel” stuff, and react to it in some or other emotional or physical way. Sometimes it’s a case of discernment of spirits. Sometimes it’s just plain intuition. I have also recently come across research about Hyper Sensitive Persons (HSPs). Beginning to form an idea that I might be on a spectrum towards that too.
It takes me a while to unpack what it is that I am sensing/feeling, and when I hit the root (with the Holy Sprit’s guidance) it normally leads me to a) repentance or b) insights that other people don’t necesarily need to now that I have about them, or about a group culture, or whatever else may have been the source of spiritual discomfort. Enter wisdom and prayer.
It’s however always an intersection between internal (sometimes, irrational) realities and external (often, unintentional) influences. We interpret what we observe and “sense” through our own biases and tendencies. Classic perception forming theory. It doesn’t take psychotherapy to realise that we get it wrong more often than we get it right. Especially when we are unaware of or blind to some of our own dispositional internal weaknesses.
I know by now that my dispositional internal weakness, is insecurity.
I have also been rebuked enough, in love, to know that feeling insecure often is a fruit of some form of “idolatry”, normally related to “fear of man”. (Unpacked: If you place your trust in stuff or people that is not eternally secure (ie idolatry), you will subconsciously feel insecure because you’re not actually standing on solid ground).
You might want to Selah right there for while.
Moving along, to the point being.
Over the past while my “barometer” has been tuned in to the concept of significance.
Perhaps it is because I am approaching the latter part of my thirties, or perhaps it is still the aftermath of grief and mourning.
Whatever it may be, I have been confronted with two question:
“Am I significant?”
“Is my contribution (in whichever context) perceived as being significant?”
The first question is easier to respond to, from the reserves of truth in my spirit.
There is no question that, in being created, I am significant. Jesus died for me. My sense of personal significance is deeply rooted in the knowledge of God’s demonstrated love for me.
It seems like in simply “being”, I don’t have insecurity about my significance.
It is however in my “doing” that I seem to be more frequently confronted with a sense of external resistance and internal futility.
This is unrelated to current vocation, or income, or external positive recognition for work done.
It somehow goes deeper than that, venturing into the terrain of Solomon’s Ecclesiastes.
Enter, mini existential crisis.
I am thankful for the foundation of Truth, and years of mind-renewing grace where I have had to wrestle my personal sense of value and significance loose from being based on the work I do, the salary I earn or the lifestyle I live. Or the relationships I have, or desire but don’t seem to be able to enter into.
But it is flipping hard to maintain that sense of inner security when you are faced with the projected perceptions that others have, or simply don’t have, about what you do, or what you contribute.
And that is why I started this reflection with the pre-emting exploration of making sense of emotional reactions to situations by considering internal realities and external influences.
Internally, my reality makes sense to me.
I have always done things differently. It’s a mixture of intuitive artistic creative freedom (maternal genes) and pragmatic/logical strategic foresight (paternal genes).
I see links between concepts where others see unrelated topics. I learn at a rather breakneck speed.
I see ten steps ahead, and I am disposed to finding a “way” that makes the most logical and logistical sense to get from point A to point B. But I make the way up as I go, so I sometimes have to go back to start over. That’s why I sort of shy away from leadership, even though it is a natural gift. I simply don’t always know how the path I choose will turn out, so I hesitate to take people with me the first time I try something …
I create frameworks and explore boundaries. I figure out systems, and want to improve them.
I write poetry and construct project plans. It happens to be communication plans, at the moment. It was however, never meant to be limited to that.
I design course outlines and form two hour lectures from one-word mindmaps.
I majored in both Economic Journalism and Creative Writing.
I have a masters degree in Music Technology, with a thesis based on a Business Model Canvas. I sing, and I spot business ideas around every corner.
Creativity and Strategy. Art and Business. Music and Systems.
It really does not fit into any one category.
I like who I am, and how I think and do stuff.
This “self-knowledge” has been a sense of some frustruation though, because the world looks at “work” and “significance” in a very siloed manner. Just read any job description.
Enter external influences.
There seems to be a hierarchy of jobs. From menial to consequential.
If what you do seems to fall into the former category, in whoever’s projected perception, you will end up continually struggling with the significance thing.
Guess what. Most of those projections are just that. Mirages of your own insecurity.
Just do you, boo.
Be that as it may, I am questioning many things, from “calling” to “purpose”, in the light of figuring out what would be, for me, the most “significant” way to express my thankfulness for the talents and abilities that I have been given, which have been developed through the phenomenal opportunites that I have had. There have been many special people in my life, who believed in me and opened doors way beyond what I could ever repay them for.
I do think we find a sense of significance, in terms of what we do, in the context of relational community. As long as I feel like I what I do, serves someone to their benefit, it feels like what I do is significant. The problem comes in when they don’t neccessarily see it that way. Building up some resilience to that is good, though. I guess that’s what parenthood teaches one. They say.
Maybe that’s the key to the door that I have yet to fully unlock?
Perhaps significance is, and always will be, sealed within the sacrifice of selfless serving. Even in the face of denial and rejection.
Sounds about right, given the Kingdom Way.
Still exploring, but that does feel a bit closer to Eternal truth concerning significance. Regardless of inner realities or external influences.
Selah.
Van hierbo uit die ge-propelleerde vliegtuigie uit, is dinge duidelik.
Alles wat God gevorm het, kronkel. Dit vou oop, met grasie en genade. Berge en riviere, landskappe en wolkpatrone. Lewe en orde, met kuns gekroon.
Alles wat Mens gemaak het, is reguit. Paaie en kragdrade. Grenslyne. Hard ge-ets, asof om die stempel van mens-in-beheer af te druk.
Dalk is dit hoekom ons sukkel om liefde te verstaan. Ons wil reguit lyne trek. Grense afkamp. Die pad van punt A na punt B uitkaart.
Terwyl liefde eintlik ook maar net wil kronkel. Om soos ‘n bergstroom sy stilseker pad te vind.
Selah.
Tapestry of Thought 